William Pratt International Man of Mystery
by Ninja Master
Summary: As a swingin' fashion photographer by day and a groovy British super agent by night, William Pratt is the 1960s' most shagadelic spy! But can he stop megalomaniac Angelus after the bald villain freezes himself and unthaws in the '90s?
1. Chapter 1

1967 somewhere in Nevada

The lair is 1960s high tech. A huge over sized conference table with six scary looking evil associates, including a Latin American Revolutionary in a field jacket and turtle neck, twin Nordic doctors and a meter maid. A ring with Angelus' insignia on it. The ringed hand is stroking a brown fluffy cat. Angelus' face always unseen.

"Gentlemen, are we all here? Good. As you know, my plot to high jack nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage has failed. Again. This organization will not tolerate failure."

He presses a button. The Revolutionary, the twin Nordic doctors and meter maid's chairs tip back and fall into a pit. Their chairs return empty and smoking.

"Ford…"

Ford an Arab with a red fez.

"Darla…"

Darla in a severe Salvation Army uniform.

"I spared your lives because I need you to help me rid the world of the only man who can stop me now. We must go to London. I've set a trap for William Pratt!"

A pair of Beatle boots and peg top crashed velvet pants walking down the street in rhythm a la Saturday Night Fever. William Pratt, International Man of Mystery. He's a swinger with blond hair and he wears National Health Servers glasses. William walks along Carnaby Street taking photographs. It is that perpetual bright sunny day you see in sixties movies. William, bursting with live, gives a two handed handshake to a Mod Freak, who's just gotten off a red double decker bus. William salutes a strolling Bobby, then comes across two beautiful Mod girls who are excited to see him. They all start to twist to the music, including the Bobby.

In the middle of the street. Three models wait impatiently to be photographed in a makeshift photo shoot area. One wears a short skirted stewardess outfit. One wears a metallic silver pantsuit with matching cowl. The other wears a see through Mary Quant dress. William taking photos.

"Alright, luv! Love it! Turn…pout for me baby. Smashing!"

William has very bad teeth that look like fangs. The model in the stewardess outfit crawls on all fours.

"Crazy baby. Give me some shoulder. Yes! Yes! Yes! No. No. Show me love. Yes! And…done. Here you go, luv. I'm spent."

William throws the camera in the air behind him. An assistant scrambles and catches it before it hits the ground.

"Get these to Fap Magazine right away."

"William, you've really out done yourself this time."

"Thanks, baby."

Super model 2 suggestively.

"We could have another photo session back at my flat."

William coyly.

"Oh, behave!"

"William, I love you!"

"So many women, so little time."

A gaggle of Mod girls come towards the shoot site. They recognize William and screams hysterically.

"It's William Pratt!"

William runs away. The mob chases after him a la Hard Day's Night. Two bad guys attack William. He Judo Chops them.

"Judo Chop! Judo Chop!"

The mob of girls catches up to William and he runs away. William is in a phone booth with his back forward. The mob runs by. He steps out, disguised only with a beard. William is jiving down the street and comes to a cross a stoned face red coated Buckingham Palace guard standing at attention just outside his guard box. William mugs for the guard, trying to get him to crack up but to no anvil. Finally he pulls a big sixties flower from behind the guard's head and presents it to him. They both crack up. The girls run by a sixties era photo booth with someone inside. William steps out. Panels 1-3 show William with various exotic models: The fourth panel shows William with the queen.

William spots a very pregnant hippy girl with a placard that says "PROTEST!" in a funky font.

"You might want to protest a bit louder next time, luv."

They both laugh. The passport opens. William's tour photo. Then he gives an insane grin showing his bad fanged teeth. The page flips and vista stamps from all the exotic places he's been. William flips a coin into a blind man's cup. The blind man obviously sighted, moves the cup to catch the coin. William wags his finger in a "oh you" fashion and then proceeds to to knee him in the balls. William is being chased around by a gaggle of school girls. After a moment, William returns from the corner with a baton, followed by a marching band. The school girls pick up his trail again he begins to run: A 1967 Jaguar XKE convertible, which is decorated with a large Union Jack, pulls beside him.


	2. Chapter 2

He jumps over the door into the moving convertible, racing off just ahead of the crowd. The driver of the jag is William's associated Faith Lehane, a beautiful woman in her thirties. They drive against obvious rear projection of 1960s London.

"Hello, Faith."

"Hello, William."

Just then, a flashing red light goes off and a distinctive phone rings.

"That'll be Rupert Giles, Chief of The Watchers' Council."

The glove compartment revolves to reveal a picture phone. Rupert Giles a distinguished older man. A desk plate reads: "Rupert Giles, Chief of The Watchers' Council. Giles on picture phone.

"Hello, William. This is Rupert Giles, Chief of The Watchers' Council. You're William Pratt, International Man of Mystery, and you're with Agent Faith Lehane. The year is 1967, and you're talking on a picture phone."

"We know all that, Giles."

"I just wanted to be extremely clear so that everyone knows what's going on at any given time. We've just received word that Angelus, the ultimate square is planning to take over the world."

"Angelus? I put him away in jail for good."

"I'm afraid not. Earlier this week, Angelus escaped from Zedel Edel Prison in Baaden Baaden and now he's planning a trap for you tonight at the Electric Psychedelic Pussycat Swinger's Club in Piccadilly Circus here in swinging London."

A map of London with lights showing William's position and the location of the club.

"Just where you'd never think to look for him. We'll be there."

"Good luck, William."

"Thank you."

"Oh, and William."

"Yes?"

"Be careful."

"Thank you."

William to Faith Lehane.

"Let's go, baby!"

On top of one building is a three story high Bob's Big Boy figure. The Jaguar pulls up in front the swinging night club. Faith Lehane steps out of the car, dressed in a tight leather catsuit. She looks fabulous. It's a swinging club. Freaks abound. In one corner, there is a press conference in progress.

"Hey William Pratt, it's me, Mick Jagger."

"Hey, Mick!"

"Are you more satisfied now sexily, William?"

"Well, you can't always get what you want."

Mick Jagger thinking.

"You can't always get what you want!" That's a great title for a song! I'm gonna write that and it'll be a big hit."

In one corner Andy Warhol sits in front of his multi colored Elvis or equivalent. He body paints a butterfly on the thigh of a Mod girl wearing a metallic mini skirt outfit.

"William Pratt? Hi, I'm Andy Warhol."

"Hey, how are you?"

"Hungry."

"Here, have this Campbell's Tomato Soup."

William hands Andy a can of soup.

"I'm going to paint this can of soup and become famous and not give you any credit for it."

"If you can become famous, everyone will have their fifteen minutes of fame, man."

"Fifteen minutes of fame?" I'm going to use that quote and not give you any credit for that, either."

"Smashing!"

The queen gives William a Victoria's Cross like the Lyndon Johnson scene in Forest Gump. Behind them are two Coldstream guards and the Duke of Edinburgh.

"William Pratt, Britain owes you a debt of gratitude!"

William gives a cheeky look to Faith Lehane.

"I understand you were wounded. Where were you hit?"

"In the buttocks."

"That must be a sight. I'd kind of like to see that."

William turns around, drops his pants, and shows his wounded bum to the queen. The queen walks away. She laughs.

"Nice buttocks."

In the line up Forest Gump has to pee very badly.

"We've got to find Angelus!"

"Wait, I've an idea."

He punches a pretty Mod girl in the face, knocking her out cold.

"Ohhh!"

"William, why in the Powers That Be did you strike that woman?"

"That isn't no woman! It's a man, man. One of Angelus' assassins."

William pulls off the Mod girl's wig. She is a male assassin. The assassin comes to and leaps to his feet. Faith Lehane knocks his feet from under him. The assassin hits the ground and pulls out a dagger. She kicks the dagger out of his hand and William gets him in a head lock from behind.

"Where is Angelus?"

A finger with Angelus's insignia on it. The finger pulls the trigger of a spear gun. The assassin falls forward. A spear protrudes from his back. William sees Angelus as he runs through a door. They give chase. They enter. Angelus climbs into an egg chair.

"I've got you again, Angelus!"

The chair fills with white mist. Angelus unseen through mist.

"Not this time. Come Ethan Rayne!"

Angelus calling out.

"See you in the future, Mr. Pratt!"

Before the door closes, the brown cat jumps in the egg chair. A sign on the egg reads "CRYOGENIC FREEZING BEGINNING."

"The Powers That Be! He's freezing himself."

William begins firing at the egg chair. The ceiling opens up and the egg chair rises through the opening. Everything begins to rumble. Rocket exhaust pours out of the ceiling. The Bob's Big Boy rocket begins lifts off. People outside the club react to the rocket. The Bob's Big Boy rocket leaves the atmosphere. Ethan Rayne is pressed to the window like one of these stuffed Garfields. Angelus shivering.

"I'll be back, Mr. Pratt, when free love is dead, and greed and avarice once again rule the world."

1997 NORAD Colorado Springs

A blip appears on the radar screen.


	3. Chapter 3

Radar operator on phone.

"Commander Merrick?"

Commander Merrick, a distinguished man in his fifties.

"Commander, this Finn in SoWest Com Three. We have a potential bogey with erratic vectoring and an unorthodox entry angel."

Commander Merrick on phone.

"Is it one of ours?"

"No. Log Com Bird Twelve says its metalurg recon analysis is a standard alloy, not stealthy, not carbon-composite. It does have an odd shape, sir."

"What are you saying, son?"

"It appears to be in the shape of Bob's Big Boy, sir."

The rocket is dirty and battered from thirty years in space.

"The Powers That Be he's back."

"In many ways, Bob's Big Boy never left, sir. He's always offered the same high quality meals at competitive prices."

"Shut up."

"Should we scramble TacHQ for an intercepted?"

"What's its current position?"

On the radar screen it says "NEVADA."

"It was over Nevada, but…the Powers That Be! It's gone!"

"Listen son, I want you to forget what you saw here tonight."

"Commander, I have to log it."

"That's a direct order. You didn't see a thing!"

He hangs up and picks up another phone. Commander Merrick into phone.

"Wells."

Sergeant Wells picks up the phone.

"Call the President. Prepare the jet… Get my over night bag. Wells, do me a favor and feed my fish."

Wells' hand enters the fish tank and sprinkles fish food.

"Not too much!"

Wells' hand re-enters the fish tank and scoops up some of the fish food.

"I'm going to London, England."

Rupert Giles, now aged 30 years, Commander Merrick and Richard Willkins, a Russian General, put on extreme-weather gear over their uniforms.

"As you know, gentlemen, Angelus had himself frozen in 1967. Soon after William Pratt volunteered to have himself frozen, in the event Angelus should ever return. We believe Angelus has begun yet another plot to take over the world. And that's gentleman, is why we're here."

"Outstanding re-cap, Giles."

Commander Merrick opens a vault door. Cold mist escapes. They pass a row of cryogenic holding berths, each containing a naked person in suspended animation a la Demolition Man. They pass Gary Coleman, Evel Knieval with the cape and Vanilla Ice, all in suspended animation. They pass a now-empty berth with a plate that reads John Travolta.

"Who is this William Pratt? Is he a British operative?"

"No, he's worked freelance, an internationally renowned swinging photographer by day and the ultimate gentleman spy by night."

Finally, they come across William Pratt: He is naked. His hands cover up his private parts. The look on his face suggests 'The Powers That Be, my bits and pieces are cold'. His glasses are frosted over. Female Announcer on PA.

"Attention, stage one laser cutting beginning."

Lasers begin to cut William out of the ice in one huge cube.

"Laser cutting complete. Stage two, warm light goo phase beginning."

A robotic arm lifts the cube out of the berth and places it into a high-tech melting vat of warm liquid goo.

"Warm liquid goo phases complete. Stage three reanimation beginning."

William comes back to life out of the goo on a draining platform.

"Reanimation complete. Stage four, cleaning beginning."

Technicians lead a half-asleep William to a screened area where only his feet and head are visible. He's washed off with a series of hot water jets.

"Cleaning complete. Stage five, election beginning. "

He's given futuristic inoculations and then led to a screened in toilet area. The sound of pee entering the bowl. He pees awhile, then a little longer. The stream seems to be subsiding…then begins stronger than ever. He is still peeping. Finally it stops.

"Evacuation com…."

He begins to peeing again. A little longer. Then in short staccato bursts. Then it stops. Two drips.

"Evacuation…. Complete! The cryogenic state of William Pratt is now completed."

William lies in a bed tilted up at an extreme angel a la Dr. Frankenstein's lab. Nurse technicians administer injections and monitor electrodes, IVs and other biological sensors. William weakly.

"Where am I?"

"You're in the Ministry of Defense. It's 1997. You've been cryogenically frozen for thirty years."

William shouting.

"WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?"

"The shouting is a temporary side-effect of the unfreezing process."

"Yes, I'm having trouble controlling THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE!"

"You might also experience a slight fever, dry mouth and flatulence at moments of extreme relaxation. William this is Commander Merrick, Strategic Command, and General Wilkins, Russian Intelligence."

"Russian Intelligence? Are you mad?


	4. Chapter 4

"A lot happened since you were frozen, William. The Cold War is over."

"Thank the Powers That Be. These capitalist dogs will finally pay for their crime against the people hey comrades?"

"We won, William."

"Groovy. Smashing! Good on ya!"

William to Merrick.

"Nice tie. Yea capitalism!"

"Mr. Pratt, the President's very concerned. We've got a mad man on the loose in Nevada."

"It's Angelus. When do I begin?"

"Immediately. You'll be working with Xander Lehane."

"You mean Faith?"

"No, William, Faith Lehane has long since retired. Xander Lehane is her daughter."

Xander Lehane, Faith Lehane's daughter, beautiful, mid-twenties, English, enters. She is wearing a very conservative, business pantsuit. Her hair is up and she wears glasses. William's breath is taken away. She sets down a huge stack of files.

"Xander is one of our top agents."

William out loud, to himself.

"The Powers That Be, Xander's got a smashing body. I bet she shags like a minx. How do I tell them that because of the unfreezing process, I have no inner monologue? I hope didn't say that out loud just now."

There is an uncomfortable silence.

"Mr. Pratt my job is acclimate you to the nineties. You know, a lot's changed since 1967."

"Well, as long as people still having promiscuous sex with many anonymous partners without protection, while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence free environment, I'll be sound as a pound."

"My mother's told me all about you."

"If it's a lie, goddamn her. If it's the truth, goddamn me. The Powers That Be, I hope that's witty. How's your mum?"

"My mother's doing quite well, thank very much."

"Yes, well…Agent Lehane will get you set up. She's very dedicated. Perhaps, a little too dedicated."

Giles aside to William.

"She got a bit of a bug up her ass. Good luck, William, the world's depending on you."

"Thank you, Giles."

"Oh, and William."

"Yes?"

"Be careful."

"Thanks."

Rupert exits. William and Xander wait at the window.

"Let's get your personal effects, shall we?"

A clerk brings out a locker basket and reads off a list.

"Spike Pratt, personal effects."

"Actually, my name's William Pratt."

"It says here, name Spike Pratt."

"Spike's my middle name."

"Ok, William Spike Pratt: One blue crashed velvet suit. One frilly lace cravat. One gold medallion with peace symbol. One pair of Italian shoes. One pair of tie dyed socks, purple. One vinyl recording album: Tom Jones, Live at Las Vegas. One Swedish made penis enlarger pump."

William embarrassed.

"That's not me."

Clerk reading.

"One credit card receipt for Swedish made penis enlarger pump, signed William Pratt."

"I'm telling you, baby, that's not mine."

"One warranty card for Swedish made penis enlarger pump, filled out by William Pratt."

"I don't even know what this is. This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby."

"One Book: Swedish Made Penis Enlarger Pumps and Me: This Sort Of Thing Is My Bag, Baby, by William Pratt."

The clerk shows the Book to William who is humiliated.

"Ok, ok man, don't get heavy, I'll sign. Just to get things moving, baby."

"Listen, Mr. Pratt, I look forward to be working with you, but do me a favor and stop calling me baby. You address me as Agent Lehane. We have to leave immediately. We've preserved your private jet just as you left it. It's waiting at Heathrow Airport."

William excited.

"My jumbo jet? Smashing baby."

The plan takes off from the airport. A multi-colored psychedelic jumbo jet set with William's logo on the tailpiece. The inside looks like Hugh Heffners's jet. Rust shag carpet, brown walls, and beads. William and Xander sit on bean bag chairs. Xander works on her laptop.

"Pretty groovy jumbo jet, eh? How does a hot chick like you end up working at the Ministry of Defense?"

"I went to Oxford and excelled in several subjects, but I ended up specializing in foreign languages. I wanted to travel to see the world. In my last year I was accepted into the M.O.D. in the Cultural Studies sector. I thought I was off on an exciting career, but my job was to read everything printed in every country. My whole day is spent reading wedding announcements in Farsi. If I do well with this case, I finally get promoted to field operative…"

"That's fascinating, Xander. Listen, why don't we go into the back and shag?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"I've been frozen for thirty years man, I want to see if my bits and pieces are still working."

"Excuse me?"

My wedding tackle."

"I'm sorry?"

"My meat and two veg."

"Mr. Pratt, please. I know that you must be a little confused, but we have very serious situation at hand. I would appreciate it you'd give concentrate on our mission and give your libido a rest."

"Have you ever made love to a Chigro?"

"A Chirgo?"

"You know, a Chigro part Chinese, part Negro, Chigro."

Xander offended.

"We don't use the word 'Negro' anymore. It's considered offensive."

"That's right. You're supposed to say 'color' now, right?"

William spotting the flight attendants.

"Here's the stewardesses! Bring on the sexy stews!"


End file.
